1. Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I’m not looking to develop a heart problem.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. When people say they can’t cook, all I hear is, “I can’t read or follow directions.”
4. If you were to lose your left arm your right one would be left.
5. No, I’m not a terrible driver, I’m just a really good stunt woman.
6. Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
7. This “normal” that you speak of…it doesn’t sound fun at all.
8. I don’t know if there is any weirder feeling than getting your socks wet in the toilet.
9. It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
10. Anything I can do, my wife can do it bitter.
11. Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
12. Tonight I’m going to have my favourite drink.It’s called ‘a lot’.
13. Be the strange that you want to see in the world.
14. The guy who invented applause must have looked like an idiot when he first tried it out.
15. Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
16. I’ve been told I’m not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine.
17. The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
18. Sometimes, when I don’t want my girlfriend to find something, I put it in her purse.
19. The problem with the world are the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid people are full of confidence.
20. Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?