If this is true, I am so screwed!

 

I was instructed by my doctors to decrease my stress levels.  Since I fit into the Type A personality when I was working as a paralegal, I started de-stressing myself at home.  Now I have been home for some time now, I really thought I was doing much better.  Oh my!  If these things are accurate on this short vid, then I am still messed up.  Seriously.  Really bad.  Oh Shit!

13 thoughts on “If this is true, I am so screwed!

  1. The nice thing about here is that you don’t always have to explain and many know you more through such powerful, real, raw writing…most friends close by could not quite understand.

  2. Thank you so much. I do have my supports as well, they are all ‘so far away’, but there nonetheless.

    Peace & Love

  3. Sending you some hugs from Montreal, Kiddo…and um, so wussy is a comment one made for a person like you was just being genuine, authentic, and real…sheeesh…too bad…delete and do not give it a thought. I share quite a bit on my blog and I know my supports…thank goodness for amazing supports here, Oliana

  4. I will tell you honestly, I cried last night. I think what happened was a combination of me not feeling good for so damn long, writing my epiphany of pain in my journal (10 pages), and then your acknowledgment of my pain just blew the windows open. Don’t worry, I didn’t cry long, and only Wizard saw me, and he didn’t even get excited. Some love there, let me tell you. Phht. I think it is one thing when I know about it, then when I know you or some ‘one’ else knows about it, but to realize my cover is being seen through…well, I just needs shutters on the windows, no more drapes. LOL I am still much in the denial phase, and this whole week with my epiphany and all has made me see things and realize I have been sick for some time. I think what also really hurts is that for so long I wasn’t believed. I simply don’t understand why people, including mum, would think I would lie. What would I have to gain? I did well in school (honor roll), I loved my work (always being asked to manage to take the lead), and I loved to exercise and be physically active. Why the hell would anyone think I was trying to get out of all of this? I guess it is also depressing to think I have been the victim (hate that word) of arrogance and poverty all of my life. I would like to stand up and say ‘no more’, but I really don’t see how I can do this. I am poor, on friggin’ food stamps, needing the state to come through for me so I can get the very least of health care, and in the end, waiting for more ‘entitled’ funds (fuck the entitled bit) because of my disability. Oh hell, I am just really physically, mentally, and emotionally very tired right now. Going to feed the crew, then settle down to some Godzilla or the like.

    Peace & Love

  5. Honour where it’s due, Rene. You do an awesome job of keeping the troops’ motivational levels high. All the while coping with your own stuff.
    I know what you mean about some blogs. I read quite a wide variety of blogs. But I do get put off when the subject is always the same and there is little change in perspective almost as if reading makes no difference, commenting makes no difference.
    And if no difference or help will change anything why continue to read what is so depressing? I can be brought low by others’ sufferings. That’s not to say I don’t read where I feel there is open communication. It’s just difficult to maintain hope when someone is so grounded in their hurt that, as you say, it’s almost like they’re embracing it.
    I’m no good to anyone like that. And it only succeeds in depressing me.
    So I have drifted away from those blogs. Sad but true.
    Trey shares all sorts of things about himself. so do I. Up to a point. 😉 And so can you. Not wussy at all. You have such an eclectic mix of subjects – inspiring, funny, informative, motivational. Not to mention GORGEOUS! Keep up the sterling work! 🙂 x

  6. I had to listen to the whollllllle thing…. LOL
    I had no idea what this was saying. Then I get to your page and there is a vid link. Oh, boy! I is so confused.
    I started to listen, and you were so serious. Then you actually talked slow, so I could understand you (not the whole Russell Brand thing). Then I got mighty worried. Something is seriously wrong, I said to the crew. The all ignored me as usual. I am glad some things are predictable here.
    No, I am so sorry, you have it wrong. You. Rock! Yeah, yeah, yeah! I don’t read all your long ones, but I have been doing better recently (like two this last week alone). I am trying.
    As to the ‘Life of Rene’, I made a conscious (as opposed to unconscious) decision like two days ago, regarding my newest epiphany. I was deciding if I should write about this in a blog or in my journal. The journal won out, and for much of the reason you stated: I didn’t want to bring my pain to the masses (ok, to my meager 210 followers). I tell you, Shaun, and one other blogger about my pain, and that is it. No one can drag it out of me (but I can be bought). After Trey’s comment of how it sounded ‘wussy’ or whatever he said, I decided I really didn’t want others to see it that way. There was one other blogger I followed for a time, but the blog posts were always about them getting mad, dealing with the social system, dealing with their addictions, and well…it was always a challenge for me to read. I couldn’t do anything to lighten their load, I didn’t have any good advice, and really who wants advice from an unknown blogger, and I also just wanted to see something positive just once on their page. I came to the conclusion after weeks of watching and reading, much of their problem might be self inflicted. They might be constantly fighting against themselves only projecting it onto whoever crosses their path. I had to stop reading at this point, it wasn’t doing me or them any good. I just didn’t want mine to be like this.
    So, my journal is right depressed tonight, even though I gave it a great epiphany to chew on. I wrote 10 pages, my hand hurt afterwards, and well…Bob’s your uncle…not mine, yours. silly saying.
    Thanks for the props. You da’ woman. Wow! That sounds messed up. Ok…here is the one took me a long time to figure out if it was good…You da’ bomb!
    Peace & Love

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