Serious Mind Chatterings…I told you it chattered~

If you have been keeping up with my FB page and all my adventures there this last week, you will get an understanding of where all this anger comes from.  If you don’t read my FB page, no loss, count this as a rant.

Face Book Bus Driver Story for reference


I lay awake last night, as usual, wondering how I would ever manage to go back to work again if I had to.  If I finally got the knee replacement surgery which I needed like 10 years ago, and fixed whatever could be fixed with my back,
hips, and ankle, then I would just be dealing with the fibromyalgia and Lupus all the time.  Then I figured a way it would probably work in my head, not reality, but my head and meds can come up with some really crazy life strategies sometimes.

So here is the way this would go.  I would be okay with my knees, hips, ankle, and my back. I would be able to walk and, hopefully, ride a horse again.  Then I figured well what the hell was wrong with me when I was able to do these physical things before?  Why did I get depressed and feel sorry for myself at times?  Here is what my rather lucid and medicated mind came up with.

 When I was feeling okay physically before, I was still showing signs of Fibromyalgia and Lupus, actually I had been diagnosed with Lupus, I just ignored it.  No one ever accused me of being the sharpest crayon in the box.  Until Lupus came up with the damn blood clot cocktail (Factor V Leiden), I was able to ignore it all.  I would get tired, really exhausted, working in my yard and working my horse.  Then came the stress from being in realty: school and setting up a new real estate office.  Many miscarriages (8 total), and then the largest piece of this time period: a divorce.  All of the stresses could have been worse, no doubt about it, and I am thankful they were only what they were for me at the time.  I got through all of this, found myself on my own two feet again, and off I went. 










To make the story shorter than possible, I sit here now and wondered how I got through all of the past crap.  I realized all the stress I had from work and relationships has now been replaced by Fibromyalgia and Lupus.  The fibro has been taking the worst toll on me, and I guess from what I have learned, it has been exacerbated by all the stress I was going through by ignoring my Lupus and knee issues.  Go Me! 

Willy Wonka 2


Now that I am having numerous nervous breakdowns just in the search for a friggin’ bathing suit, I realize I might need to discuss getting on an anti-depressant.  I don’t feel depressed I have these stupid diseases or physical issues.  What happens is after a time, little things which normally wouldn’t be a big deal, just build up.  You know what I mean.  I was wondering why not finding my bathing suit was such a pain and stress builder, when normally it would just be something I would figure out.  The answer is because my life has gone upside down.  There is no other way to explain it, at least for me.  What should have just been a little inconvenience, especially since I bought two of the same damn suit, ended up bringing the walls down.  Since my health has turned to be the major issue of my life, and my whole damn life is focused on my state of well being at the time, anything else just acts like straw on the camel’s back.  Now that I still haven’t found either of my suits, at least I have diagnosed myself.  I wonder if they will let me just write my own prescription and determine what I need and when.  Maybe I shouldn’t push it. 



4 thoughts on “Serious Mind Chatterings…I told you it chattered~

  1. Oh, girl, don’t head here. I would only be able to go out once with you, to a quite restaurant, and then I wouldn’t be able to do more than we do now for the rest of your stay. If you bring hubby, or some other companion (don’t be askin’ me to set you up either), then you won’t be on a wasted trip.
    When I was on the Wellbutrin before, I wasn’t on all the pain, Lyrica, RLS, and blood clot crap. Oh, and I wasn’t 20 years older.

  2. I hate when that happens. My sister and I used to share a room and whenever anything went missing anywhere in the house it always seemed to appear under our dressing table. We swore there was a worm hole in the house leading there before we even knew what a worm hole was!
    Poor Wizard. 😉 If there is one that works go for it. It’s finding one without the contras that is a pain right enough.
    I’m glad you had a wee chat with Shaun. We’ll catch up on email soon or on Skype. I just have to try and find a way to slow some things down here. Or head to Las Vegas for a lost weekend. 🙂 x

  3. You could come over and help me look for my damn bathing suit! I have looked in every nook and cranny, and even found some dirt to clean under my dresser, but can’t find one of the two damn suits I bought. I liked it so much, I bought a second one right away, so I would get a good price and the same suit. So, I though I was being so smart, and kept one in a bag, all fresh and new, and was using the other, along with my old tie-dye one I love, and now can’t find none of them. That is just messed up. I don’t tuck things round the house like my mum does, do if it isn’t in my room, then it must have gotten to storage some time.
    There is the case of the missing scarf though. I will make this short. I had a lamp which was too bright in here. Mum gave me a simple scarf to cover it so it would be, well dimmer. The next day the damn scarf was gone. I asked mum, she said she didn’t take it, and hadn’t been in my room even. I looked under the dresser, in all the drawers (not knowing how it would have gotten in the drawers in the first place), and looked under the bed. This is about the time I was convinced I had mice in my room.
    Never found the scarf, never found mouse turds or anything evidence of mice, and now my suits (2 the same and the other tie-dye one) are all gone. I finally just told ole’ ghosty he/she/they had better bring back one of my suits tonight, pronto, or I would be doing some serious exorcising of this room tomorrow. I told them they could keep the damn scarf, don’t have the lamp anyway, but I want my suits back. Let’s see what happens.

    By the way, thanks for the love. I do think Wizard’s anti-depressant abilities are wearing off with his age, or he just doesn’t care anymore. I am going to ask the doc for Wellbutrin since I was one it for a long time and it didn’t make me want to eat the cat or zone out. At least there hasn’t been any news on the TV of special lawsuits for people who have used it…yet. Seems there are lawsuits for just about every drug or surgical implantation from the past. Messed up world.
    Thanks for the love. I did talk to Shaun for a time, it was like 12 a.m. for him.

  4. Rene, I’ve left a comment on your FB page. I’m so sorry I have been awol for much of the last few weeks. Life goes on and it takes over. Having it turned upside down though is a whole other matter and I can completely see why something seemingly small would cause repercussions that set you thinking about so much. I have nothing to offer you by way of change. What can any of us do to help with another’s illnesses and pain?
    If I could I would. I read your words here and ache that there is nothing I can do. I want it all to go away for you. For the pain and the illnesses to be gone. I want for you to have life back to a place where those things that brought you pleasure may be possible again. I want to imagine you riding on some big stallion, head thrown back, wind in your hair and happy curses exploding from your lips.
    I want to believe that even if the reality dreamed of is not possible the way it once was, that still there is the option, when treatments are over, for life to be picked up in a way that still gives pleasure and gladness.
    You never complain, Rene. I know the level of hurt you suffer should allow you the luxury of complaint but that you choose rather to bring smiles and joy and information and pics. To speak of it at all means you are hurting badly. And I’m so sorry that is the case. It’s absolutely ok at every level to express what so many others also know about their ongoing pain and fears for future life and chances.
    This post must speak to many on the fears we all hold for differing reasons that life may never be the same again or as good as it once was.
    My hope Rene is that we all see the possible, the positives and the potential that still exist despite everything.
    It may seem easy for me to say. My life is not turned upside down. And I simply do not know how I would cope if it were. My trials, as so many others’, are as nothing when compared to ongoing pain and the removal of life as it was.
    I do so wish there was something else I could say or do. All I can offer you is my love and hope that changes will occur that improve the quality of life and diminish the pain.
    Pep talks do not alter the facts and I do so wish I had more than words to offer. If you want to or need to speak I can be at the other end of Skype. x

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