Poem: I want to hear the snow

I want to hear the snow

As a bird shakes the flakes from his feathers








As a tree branch lowers its branch to the forest floorthN60K2IZV

to drop off the white bounty which has gathered







th41O73NZR I want to hear the snow

Under the bull moose’s hooves as he walks





Swishing as the wolves run through in play






roof-snow-removalI want to hear the snow

The gently settling on the roof top






Under my boot as I walk to the house.


Random Thoughts: Repair Status of the Unit.

 I had the MRI of my knees on the 9th.  All went well, although it hurt to keep my knees in the positions they had them in.  I did have to ‘suffer’ through some Lionel Richie and Mirah Carey, then I had them finally change it to Classical.  That must alone might have damaged my brain!
They gave me the films, said my doctor would need them, but waiting for them made me miss the bus I had scheduled, so I had to have mum get one of her friends to pick us up.  Turns out the doctor received them via the Internet and had them before I ever got home.  He didn’t even ask for the films. 

When I finally did talk to the doctor’s office, the really efficient guy told me to wait for the doc to look at the results, and he would probably get back to me by, well, today.  He did, and I am not happy.  To preface this, I had the really strong gut feeling, intuition, whatever that I would need a 2nd opinion.  I am not sure if this is based on experience or what, but I guess I do after all.  The doctor said he didn’t see any real damage or severe arthritis, so there is no surgery needed.  My options with him are: 1) take anti-inflammatory drugs; 2) get the Cortisone shots in both knees; and, 3) get gel injected.  I asked if I could only have one treatment at a time, as I have been in some really severe pain of recent.  He informed me I could have the drug and the Cortisone shots.  The shots are immediately effective, but only last for a couple of months, or so I am told by everyone I discussed this with.  The drug takes 5-6 weeks to even start helping, and is really hard on my only kidney.  I will have to have testing on my kidney more often in hopes the drug isn’t damaging it too badly.  The Lupus is a bugger on the kidney, and I have been told repeatedly not to drink heavily, and to watch my drugs since I only have one kidney.  I am also not an easy match for blood type, and since I have Lupus, will not be on any list for donor kidneys should mine blow out.   
So…I asked them to call in the drug, and then I set an appointment for the 30th for the shots. 

Meanwhile, I am looking into getting a 2nd opinion.  I have been through all this before, pisses me off somethin’ fierce!  I really don’t think it is the doctor’s fault though, here is why.  
 I read something some time back, last year or so, in which people were getting denied needed surgery and being offered drugs due to Medicaid not wanting to pay for the surgeries.  When I was informed today of what the doctor said, I immediately recalled these stories.  Being on Medicaid, the State and Federal Government Insurance,  they get to determine what they want to pay for, and I have no, 0, nada, zip to say about it.  Mom has more input since she pays for part of her insurance, Medicare.  So, the stories and now my own experience is Medicaid would rather I be on meds than help me seriously get functioning again.  

Now here is the kicker in this: I will have to be on meds, continue to be dependent on cortisone shots, or even the gel stuff (which has to be ‘refilled’ like every six months) just to barely function.  The State will continue to have me on their rolls as a Medicaid recipient, Food Stamp dependent, and eventually, a Disabled person getting Disability funds.  I will eventually probably need Federal and State assistance to get into an apartment/house, and continue to need financial assistance in transportation issues.  I will also be then referred to, as I am now, a non-contributing member of society, a Welfare bum.  IF they approved the surgery to fix my knees as my doctor in Wyoming already determined I needed back in ’95, I could go back to work, use my degrees I worked so hard for, pay for my own groceries, my medical, my living space, my transportation, pay taxes, AND actually start paying back on my school loans.  Maybe finish my Ph.D., and use all the other certificates I have garnered over this lazy ass time of my life in helping people, instead of being the one needing the help.  Wow!  If only one hand knew what the other hand was doing in our government.  Basically, it seems to me they are saying ‘we would rather have you out of commission, under our total control, on drugs, thus we are not going to help you get back to functioning’.  BUT, on all the TV and Congressional/Senate congresses they discuss people like myself as wanting to live with no income, being lazy intentionally.  I thus become the bad guy, the lazy ass, the unemployed, the drain on society!  What a bunch of horse shit.     


So…like I said, I will do the damn drug and the shots to alleviate the pain for now.  I am looking into whether or not Medicaid will pay for a 2nd opinion.  On mum’s insurance there are also allowances for a gym membership, should a doctor deem it necessary, and home help.  Mine…no!  I am telling you being on the State’s insurance is like just opening your mouth for them to shove it full of drugs. They don’t want to really help a person get back to functioning by providing alternatives to drugs.  

Short story: Beware the Meat!

If you read Scottismomus  site, this story will appear as a guest author one day soon.  There are no political or ethical messages intended, just a story which actually decided to stay until I was able to get it down.  My head is sore from all the knocking and banging trying to get it out, but alas, here it is.  Enjoy!



People are looking for me now, and this is all my parent’s doing.  I didn’t change like the other kids, or rather, I changed and they didn’t.  Yeah, that is what happened, I changed and they didn’t.  Now I think back on it, all those school lunches, times we ditched school to eat at In-n-Out, and especially the family holiday meals were actually a blessing.


It is becoming harder to fit in, to fake it.  Looking like a drone just isn’t as easy as it sounded at first.  So far, I have only found one other like myself; although we agree there have to be more.  It was pure accident I found Keith; we literally bumped into each other.  Dumbing down out behavior was getting harder each day, till one day at the voting polls we just walked into each other.  We were looking at our sample ballots we received in the mail.  Although we are both freshman in the local college, we are 18 since we started school earlier than most of our peers.  I think we were the youngest voters in the room, and I know we were the only ones with our sample ballots.  I hadn’t really realized what was going on at this time, but somehow I knew meeting Keith was important.


Now I get it, well as far as my mind can wrap around what happened.  It appears since Keith and I were raised vegetarian, we were missing all the chemicals and growth hormones being pumped into all the food.  When I think back to all the times I gave my mom a hard time about not eating meat, I seriously wonder if she and Dad knew something more than what they revealed.  Keith and I have researched why everyone else seemed, well…so stupid, and why they seemed to be getting dumber each day.  We did this research prior to meeting each other; now we wouldn’t dare fire up a computer and start researching any of this.  They would hone in on our URL so damn fast for just looking at a ‘conspiracy theory’ site, much less a government site.

From what Keith and I have pieced together, this is what was happening, and I guess, is continuing to happen now.

For the past 20 years, as far as we can refer to with our combined research, steroids, growth hormones, and other chemicals have been added to most farm animals.  This goes from chickens all the way to the Angus steer.  Any product, be it a simple egg to a steak, contains some mix of these additives.  All these additives have been, for loss of a better term, monkeying around with the brain’s growth.  People are not getting any smarter, are not able to retain information much past the basic teachings of 6th grade.  After the 6th grade, all of what is taught is purely repetition of the first 6 years of schooling.  There is no additional information, more specific teaching, and definitely no honors classes.  So, for the majority of the population who has no alternative but to attend public schools, they are never encouraged nor allowed to learn anything more than what was taught in the 6th grade.

Now, from what Keith uncovered in some of his research, it is assumed children, who were able to attend Charter Schools or Private Schools (this does not include Religious private schools) fare better as to opportunities in education.  In fact, all of the students we go to college with are from private schools; we are the only two from public school.  We have kept this a secret, and have even changed all our records to reflect us attending better schools.  Keith changed his records in his junior year, whereas I didn’t figure this out until after my senior year.  We both traveled across country to attend college, so we wouldn’t run across people we knew from high school.


Daily life isn’t really very hard for us, as we spend most of the time at the college.  We fit in well with the other students in class, and just hanging out on the campus.  Our parents had been wise and were able to save money for our college tuitions, and some for living money.  We both work though, on weeknights and weekends, to supplement our income for other needed things.  There is no financial aid in the way of grants or loans like my parents have referred.  There are other students who work, so this isn’t hard to get around, and we don’t have to go to extremes to cover up our working.  What we do have to deal with though is dealing with others when we are at work.  We basically have to act like we are school kids, as far as behavior and intellect.  It can be dangerous, literally, if we appear to know more than the boss, or a customer.  So, all of us who have to work and can go to college have to be picky in where we work.  Most students have their parent’s connections to offer them employment.  Keith and I don’t, so he works as a mechanic in a foreign sports car dealership, and I work as a cook at a premier restaurant.  Keith has an awesome mechanical mind; he could probably take down one of those fancy cars and rebuild the whole thing without any diagrams.  I can cook just about anything put in front of me, and I often get requests to come up with a new way of preparing a dish.  I do okay if I have to meet a diner, or when working with the chef alone, but I have to really watch myself around the rest of the staff.  Keith has said he does great when talking with customers, but he has to really hold his tongue with the boss and other crew members.

Going grocery shopping is an adventure sometimes.  Most of the other students have groceries delivered.  We cannot afford this service.  We have to go do our own shopping.  Other students do some of their own shopping as well, but they go only to the best stores.  Keith and I have been shopping at cheaper stores on the other side of town, never noticing each other.  Luckily the days of plastic grocery bags have long since been lost, so all our groceries were in our own personal bags.  I have never bought store brands for fear someone would find the product in my house, then they would know I shopped for my own groceries.


Keith and I have had to watch what we do, what we say, and even our facial expressions all the time.  We make a great pair though:  Keith is a devil in the details with logic things, like the hacking to change our high schools, and other records.  I seem to be more about how to function without being caught in daily activities.  Keith told me before he moved from Oregon to Virginia, where we go to school; he got into a fight at the garage he was working at.  I guess he felt the shop manager put him down, blamed him for something gone wrong on a car, and Keith knew he wasn’t the one who did anything wrong.  Now he will tell me what is going on at work, even call me or text me, so I can help him handle it better.  He thinks he has this anger problem because his real dad had the family eating a lot of beef.  Once his mom and dad divorced, she put the family on a vegetarian diet, and she married a vegetarian, so he didn’t have meat after the divorce.  I tend to be pretty calm most of the time, but I was on a vegetarian, almost vegan, diet from day one.  He is probably correct about this assumption.  He is not half as bad as most of the people though.  When we go grocery shopping, I really have to watch him, as there are so many really mean, rude, and downright stupid people at the store.


Keith and I have been wondering and discussing between us recently the GMOs put on vegetables and fruits.  I wonder what effect they may be having on us.  We still don’t eat meat: for me, I just don’t like the smell; for Keith it is more he can’t afford it.  Meat and dairy is available to the college students, and to the wealthy, but it is expensive since it is ‘free range’ meat, and non-additive dairy.


Hopefully since Keith and I found each other, we can now be on the look out together for others like us.  We are talking about taking the summer off from school and going up to Connecticut, Maine, Rhode Island, as we have heard stories of others like us there.  They are old stories, from the Internet, when we used to research on why we were different from the other high school kids.  We will see.

Serious Mind Chatterings…I told you it chattered~

If you have been keeping up with my FB page and all my adventures there this last week, you will get an understanding of where all this anger comes from.  If you don’t read my FB page, no loss, count this as a rant.

Face Book Bus Driver Story for reference


I lay awake last night, as usual, wondering how I would ever manage to go back to work again if I had to.  If I finally got the knee replacement surgery which I needed like 10 years ago, and fixed whatever could be fixed with my back,
hips, and ankle, then I would just be dealing with the fibromyalgia and Lupus all the time.  Then I figured a way it would probably work in my head, not reality, but my head and meds can come up with some really crazy life strategies sometimes.

So here is the way this would go.  I would be okay with my knees, hips, ankle, and my back. I would be able to walk and, hopefully, ride a horse again.  Then I figured well what the hell was wrong with me when I was able to do these physical things before?  Why did I get depressed and feel sorry for myself at times?  Here is what my rather lucid and medicated mind came up with.

 When I was feeling okay physically before, I was still showing signs of Fibromyalgia and Lupus, actually I had been diagnosed with Lupus, I just ignored it.  No one ever accused me of being the sharpest crayon in the box.  Until Lupus came up with the damn blood clot cocktail (Factor V Leiden), I was able to ignore it all.  I would get tired, really exhausted, working in my yard and working my horse.  Then came the stress from being in realty: school and setting up a new real estate office.  Many miscarriages (8 total), and then the largest piece of this time period: a divorce.  All of the stresses could have been worse, no doubt about it, and I am thankful they were only what they were for me at the time.  I got through all of this, found myself on my own two feet again, and off I went. 










To make the story shorter than possible, I sit here now and wondered how I got through all of the past crap.  I realized all the stress I had from work and relationships has now been replaced by Fibromyalgia and Lupus.  The fibro has been taking the worst toll on me, and I guess from what I have learned, it has been exacerbated by all the stress I was going through by ignoring my Lupus and knee issues.  Go Me! 

Willy Wonka 2


Now that I am having numerous nervous breakdowns just in the search for a friggin’ bathing suit, I realize I might need to discuss getting on an anti-depressant.  I don’t feel depressed I have these stupid diseases or physical issues.  What happens is after a time, little things which normally wouldn’t be a big deal, just build up.  You know what I mean.  I was wondering why not finding my bathing suit was such a pain and stress builder, when normally it would just be something I would figure out.  The answer is because my life has gone upside down.  There is no other way to explain it, at least for me.  What should have just been a little inconvenience, especially since I bought two of the same damn suit, ended up bringing the walls down.  Since my health has turned to be the major issue of my life, and my whole damn life is focused on my state of well being at the time, anything else just acts like straw on the camel’s back.  Now that I still haven’t found either of my suits, at least I have diagnosed myself.  I wonder if they will let me just write my own prescription and determine what I need and when.  Maybe I shouldn’t push it.