If you have been keeping up with my FB page and all my adventures there this last week, you will get an understanding of where all this anger comes from. If you don’t read my FB page, no loss, count this as a rant.
I lay awake last night, as usual, wondering how I would ever manage to go back to work again if I had to. If I finally got the knee replacement surgery which I needed like 10 years ago, and fixed whatever could be fixed with my back,
hips, and ankle, then I would just be dealing with the fibromyalgia and Lupus all the time. Then I figured a way it would probably work in my head, not reality, but my head and meds can come up with some really crazy life strategies sometimes.
So here is the way this would go. I would be okay with my knees, hips, ankle, and my back. I would be able to walk and, hopefully, ride a horse again. Then I figured well what the hell was wrong with me when I was able to do these physical things before? Why did I get depressed and feel sorry for myself at times? Here is what my rather lucid and medicated mind came up with.
When I was feeling okay physically before, I was still showing signs of Fibromyalgia and Lupus, actually I had been diagnosed with Lupus, I just ignored it. No one ever accused me of being the sharpest crayon in the box. Until Lupus came up with the damn blood clot cocktail (Factor V Leiden), I was able to ignore it all. I would get tired, really exhausted, working in my yard and working my horse. Then came the stress from being in realty: school and setting up a new real estate office. Many miscarriages (8 total), and then the largest piece of this time period: a divorce. All of the stresses could have been worse, no doubt about it, and I am thankful they were only what they were for me at the time. I got through all of this, found myself on my own two feet again, and off I went.
To make the story shorter than possible, I sit here now and wondered how I got through all of the past crap. I realized all the stress I had from work and relationships has now been replaced by Fibromyalgia and Lupus. The fibro has been taking the worst toll on me, and I guess from what I have learned, it has been exacerbated by all the stress I was going through by ignoring my Lupus and knee issues. Go Me!
Now that I am having numerous nervous breakdowns just in the search for a friggin’ bathing suit, I realize I might need to discuss getting on an anti-depressant. I don’t feel depressed I have these stupid diseases or physical issues. What happens is after a time, little things which normally wouldn’t be a big deal, just build up. You know what I mean. I was wondering why not finding my bathing suit was such a pain and stress builder, when normally it would just be something I would figure out. The answer is because my life has gone upside down. There is no other way to explain it, at least for me. What should have just been a little inconvenience, especially since I bought two of the same damn suit, ended up bringing the walls down. Since my health has turned to be the major issue of my life, and my whole damn life is focused on my state of well being at the time, anything else just acts like straw on the camel’s back. Now that I still haven’t found either of my suits, at least I have diagnosed myself. I wonder if they will let me just write my own prescription and determine what I need and when. Maybe I shouldn’t push it.